sábado, 11 de diciembre de 2010

I still don't know

The function that defined me in this space is simply outstanding. Numbers, as they pile up, start building structures. I see them when I close my eyes. These towers have a shape, they look very much like the pictures of chromosomes you see in biology books. The lower section is the mirror of the upper section, and the left branch is just slightly different to the right branch, but they are intimately interconnected. Where am I in all this magnificence? I have to have a place somewhere around here, because after all I exist, don't I? But finding myself not only proves to be a difficult task, it's also how I find beauty in myself and my surroundings.

I do not need to be immersed in my day to day job. Nor do I have to care about all the elements and people that interact with me. This is by far much more exciting. I know this is real, because I sense it. It's even more real than what comes through my eyes, as my eyes are imperfect devices and tend to fail. So does my hearing and all physical sensitivity paths in my body. This is much more real, it is part of the cosmos itself and not of an illusion in three dimensions. But why do I see this? I can't find information out here that tells me what I should do. How do I find myself? What am I ultimately? In this place I can still feel my body, but it's so small when compared to myself. I am huge when compared to this human capsule where I travel. Don't take me wrong, I like it. It's just not the right size and way too difficult to understand.

It's the greatest internal conflict of my life. Should I just let go one of my two lives in pursuit of a simpler existence, or should I keep exploring both sides? Dear life, I wish there was a god so he could help me. Will I end up saying "it's only through mathematics that I understand myself" or "my life runs on emotions and a physical body". I still don't know.